Expectation/Competition

There are a couple of things that go hand in hand with training to be a dancer.

Discipline, perseverance, respect, competition, and expectation. 

They’re not necessarily negatives, but I would say that they often come at a price. The first two have definitely helped as they’ve spilled into my every-day-life, and my personality. I have discipline that I can utilize not just in my technique classes and rehearsals, but also every day that I have been an academic student or an employee. Respect and perseverance kind of work the same way. I know that I will reach bumps in the road, and it is up to me to utilize the tools that I have in order to cross over them. Respecting others strengthens your ability to work with others, and gives you another tool for success. Perseverance is similar, in that you will need it to cross the big mountains and the small hills that will stand in between you and whatever it is you want to achieve.

The other two, are the ones that often seem to weigh me down.

Sometimes without realizing it, dance students find themselves in competition with their peers. Often, it’s healthy! You need that slight comparison as a kick in the tush to make you work a little harder. I do believe that healthy competition is a good thing to have in your life and an excellent motivator. It’s when the competition becomes blurred, one-sided, or as a means for control that it becomes problematic – in my eyes of course. I have just been thinking recently about how my approach to improving was usually fueled by trying to be the best. And I don’t know if that’s a bad thing, but I realize now that I probably should’ve aimed to be my best instead of the best. But in my efforts to be the best, I often felt like I was locked in a competition I couldn’t win. Which delivered heavy blows to my self-confidence, and it sometimes felt like I was losing joy in something that had always brought me so much happiness and confidence.

To combat those feelings, I’d often find myself looking to outlets/styles/techniques/etc. that were separate from the classes I felt had submerged me in competition. I think my subconscious decided that I was never going to be a good enough dancer, so I had to find something else that would set me apart. I rationalized that there had to be something I really excelled in, and I wanted to find it and regain some confidence in myself. And yet it always felt like I was bested by someone in those outlets too. It starts to feel like a vicious cycle I can’t shake, even though I’m sure is entirely in my head. 

Expectation is the other weight I feel like I have unwittingly packed into my metaphorical backpack.

I actually think this is one that plagues most dancers – I’ve had a few conversations about it with my peers. It’s easy to feel like you have expectations you need to meet from pretty much everyone who has followed your career. Teachers, parents, friends, acquaintances, they all have an expectation of what you can and should do and somehow you have to find a way to fulfill them all or do better. That one, is definitely all in my head, and yet it won’t go away. Because I think I know deep down that the people who love and support me only have the expectations that I will work hard, persevere, and take care of myself no matter what path I choose. But it gets so easy to become so wrapped up in the moment and what you think you are supposed to be doing, that what you actually should be doing becomes murky and unclear. Expectations can often feel stagnant, while goals are ever-changing. And it can be very hard to reconcile the two conflicting ideas.

To be completely and utterly frank with you guys, I am at a crossroads in my life and for once I don’t know what I’m doing. Which is nerve-wracking for someone who has been known to plan out her entire day based on the hour. It’s not necessarily a matter of knowing what I want to do. I have known in some capacity what I’ve want to do since I was 4 years old. It’s the “making it happen” and the finding the right “niche” that really has me dragging my feet. Lately some of my friends and peers have finally had success in finding jobs, internships, programs, etc, that will take them into the next phase of their life. And I am so so happy to see them succeed, but again I can’t help but compare myself to them. I’ve always felt like I was moving forward, but now I feel stuck, like still water. My greatest fear is that school is what I’m good at, and I won’t be able to transition into the “real world” that I’ve been dreaming about entering for so long. I feel like I have pushed, and I have tried, only to meet some sort of failure. It’s easy to sink into those feelings that you haven’t done enough, and you aren’t enough. It gets to a point where people are offering you advice and suggestions, even if they don’t quite know the business, and you immediately want to push back because you’re a teenager again. You just feel like no one really understands. You – I – desperately wish that there was both someone to blame for the minimal successes so far, and also someone who could just fix it with a phone call, or an email, or a snap of their fingers. But as an adult, I know that this won’t happen, and success is often so much more sweet when you’ve really worked hard to earn it. The challenge is in the perseverance. Facing the failures and keeping your head up, feet moving forward, no matter how slow the going gets.

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If anyone is feeling like this in any way, please don’t be scared to reach out. Let me know if you’ve experienced some of the same feelings, or have gotten through them and have advice!