I had an epiphany.
And it was about how I approach my work, who I am in the process space, and who I want to be.
And also, that I am really really hard on myself. Often.
So my epiphany had to be tempered with reminders that I really haven’t been lazy these past few months.
My epiphany.
I’ve really been struggling with headspace these past few days. I think a lot of it has to do with the 2 consecutive weeks of cold and rain Georgia has been getting (sad). But it’s also that time of year when everything seems to be happening at the same time and there aren’t enough hours in the day to do all the work, all the commuting, all the self-care things, and enjoy some free time. (All my college friends know that feeling.)
Something’s got to give right? And usually it’s our sanity.
So my epiphany.
Obviously, I was thinking about dance because that consumes a lot of my life (willingly). And I was thinking about how I’m not satisfied in my work ethic right now, or my progression. I’m afraid that I’ve gotten a little too comfortable.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in enough uncomfortable or semi-comfortable environments that I don’t take my current situation for granted. I adore the people I’m working with, I’m ecstatic to be learning from them, and I know that even in just a few months I’ve changed so much as a dancer and person. But I think comfort level often drives me to inverting, trying to just fit in, and coming a little too close to lazy.
What do I mean?
A scholar of sociology or psychology could probably confirm or deny, but it seems to me like we assume roles when we are in a group setting. Class clown, hyper focused, the perpetually nice one, the strong one, the smart one, etc. etc. etc. So I fell into what I assumed were my roles according to my groups. Which led me to second guess myself often, and to put myself down disguised as humor. I’ve started to notice that I constantly joke about not knowing what’s going on, about being behind, or about just not being good enough. And it’s really A) not that funny because the jokes are bad, and B) not that funny because it’s creating a negative energy that is affecting me, and probably the people around me.
I never stopped working hard, but looking back I think I slowly started to allow the hunger inside me to recede to a dull ache. And that hunger is the key to success. It’s the hunger to want “more”. It’s that hunger that drives us to work hard and work smart.
And I have to choose to make a change, to actively rediscover that hunger, to tell myself I am confident and “I can” even if I’m not 100% convinced. If I’m not hungry, nothing is going to change.
So my epiphany?
It’s ok to be comfortable, so long as you are still starving.
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*Thank you Synapse Photography and ImmerseATL for this sweet picture!
