I have thought about this a lot recently, because in general I really try to be a “good person”. I want to be a reliable friend that is there for you, a respectful daughter, a loving partner, a hard-working employee.
But nobody is perfect, and sometimes I feel a little ugly inside.
What do I mean, “ugly inside”?
I mean that I have gossiped, I have been jealous, I probably haven’t been there when someone needed me. I’ve disappeared, I’ve lost contact. I’ve been toxic.
All these things I know I wouldn’t want done to me, and yet I’ve done them to others.
It does not make me feel good inside.
As I thought about these negative things, I tried to remember how I handled the situations. I hope that upon realizing I had been ugly, I handled the situation with grace and honesty. I’m really not afraid to apologize for a mistake I’ve made, or a wrong I’ve done. I apologize a lot – maybe too much but that’s another issue.
I have gone to friends and said “I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t mean to lash out at you”. Or, “I’m sorry I said that, it was rude”.
I am ashamed that I have caught myself gossiping. And I can recognize that it sometimes comes from jealousy, and a place of insecurity in myself. So to combat that, maybe I need to put more effort into working on myself.
I worry that I’ve been a bad friend. You see, it’s easy to recognize when we feel like a friend is being bad to us, but it’s so much harder to acknowledge that maybe we’ve not been there for someone else in a way we should’ve. I try to ask myself, what do they need from me right now? Sometimes a friend might actually need advice. Sometimes they just needs a confidante, or someone to lend a listening ear. Sometimes I don’t want to answer a call or a text, but I remind myself, “you know, it’s no skin off your back to pick up the phone, or just send them a quick text back”.
On the topic of friendship I’ve also noticed that I easily drift away from people. There are only a handful of friends that I stay in touch with regularly. While I don’t always view this as a bad thing, it’s not necessarily something I’m proud of. I had a goal for myself since moving home. And it was to reach out to others, and say “yes” more so I wouldn’t spend all my time isolated. Maybe I don’t really like being the organizer of plans, or someone who corrals the group, but I know I’d be miserable if I never did anything outside of my own home. So I realized I had to take initiative.
I’m no trained counselor here, but I think I disappear when things get a little too difficult, which probably isn’t a trait I share with others my age especially. I’m very good at pulling away. I’ve pulled away from so many people who are close to me, when it definitely would’ve been healthier to lean on them for support. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to bother or burden them, maybe it’s because I don’t want to deal with the potential for confrontation or being called out. But I hate being ghosted, so why would I ghost someone else?
Toxicity – the worst for last.
This one sometimes keeps me up at night, I’ll admit. I hate the thought that I have been a toxic person to anyone, but I’m not so high and mighty to think it’s an impossibility. Maybe the toxicity has come from my not so great communication skills. Maybe it’s come from me going back to old habits that are harmful to others involved. There could be many reasons, but it’s not necessary – and maybe a little intrusive – to dive in deep.
No one likes to see the negative or the ugly in themselves. And I’m definitely not saying you should look in the mirror and point out a bunch of bad things about yourself. However, I think it’s important to remember that nobody is perfect – we all make mistakes. Every now and then we need to take look at the kind of person we are, what are actions are saying for us, and make adjustments as needed. No matter how big or how small.
I know it might seem odd that I shared all this with you. But it’s a way for me to hold myself accountable. To speak change into existence, if you will. I may not be growing externally anymore, but I think I still have plenty of internal growing to do.
I can’t offer you an exact remedy for the problem spots you might recognize in yourself. I am a growing person with a lot to learn, and I will make mistakes.
I do think it’s important to allow yourself to make mistakes, so long as you can acknowledge when you’ve acted in a way you maybe shouldn’t have. That way you can take steps to better yourself both for your own benefit and those around you. Just don’t forget to give yourself credit for all the amazing and wonderful things you’ve also done. Congratulate yourself every now and then, don’t just fixate on the negative. You deserve to take pride in your growth and accomplishments.
A Reminder For Myself: Positive interactions and kind words can go a long way, and if I can offer that to someone, I’m sure as hell going to try.
