These past 2 weeks have been very busy. Like no days off busy. And I’m bracing myself for another “no days off” week. The past few days have been extra hard, and it’s been hard to hold onto any sort of routine or serenity. It’s the nature of the beast when you’re trying to make a career in the arts work. Lately I’ve been juggling rehearsals for multiple shows with a part time office job, while also looking for other employment opportunities that require auditions. I don’t know if that sounds like a lot, but it sure feels like a lot. And yet, I’ve still somehow found the time to convince myself that it’s not enough – and not in a productive way.
I listen to other artists and young professionals talk about their schedules and I assume this guilt that I’m not working as hard or as smart as them, and that’s not acceptable.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I am constantly surrounded by highly motivated individuals. Which can be an extremely wonderful thing. There’s a level of commitment and dedication that we share that makes relating easy. But I’ve also noticed that in hearing about their 3 dance jobs and 4 side jobs I look at my own situation and mercilessly judge.
I think “wow I’m spoiled because I live at home and benefit greatly from my parents’ hospitality”. I think “maybe I should’ve done that audition and squeezed in more rehearsals”. I think “maybe I need to get another job since I only work 2 days a week”. I think “maybe you haven’t put yourself out there enough”.
It’s never ending. I’m insecure about a laundry list of things and I beat myself up about my living situation, my financial and employment situation, my dance opportunities, and my social life (or lack thereof).
I look at other people’s lives and think, “I’m not as good as them because I can’t handle as much”.
It’s silly I know, because I actually have no idea what’s going on in the heads of the people I see juggling all the jobs and activities. But my mind does it anyway.
Every now and then though, I’ll get a clear headed moment. Recently one was brought upon by something I read. Unfortunately I can’t place the quote or remember the exact words, but the gist of it was…
Your maximum capacity is subjective, and that’s ok.
What I mean is, just because your friend has 3 jobs, 5 hobbies, and still goes out on the weekends doesn’t mean you’re not as capable if you can’t do all that.
You’re just differently capable.
I often feel like we’re in a constant competition to do “the most”. Be it bad things or good things we’re constantly comparing what we do, what we’ve been through, and how much we’re doing or have done.
I don’t really want to play that game anymore.
I want to choose as many opportunities as I can that excite me. I want to push through those that are necessary but excite me less. I want to be proud of myself when I make it through a busy day, week, or month. I want to get to a place where I accept that I might get overwhelmed. I want to stop comparing myself.I want to be sympathetic when others need to complain about their workload, but not internalize it and think that because we are not the same I’m somehow inadequate.
This is all part of my self care journey. It’s part of my maturing and discovering who I am and who I want to be. I’m a work in progress, and I’m learning how beautiful that can be.
I’d like to leave you with a quote my dad shared with me. I’ll give no explanation so that you may make your own interpretations. As always, thank you for reading and I hope to see you again here soon.
“Never judge anyone’s outsides by your insides”
-Rob Lowe
