Ladies and gentlemen, it’s cuffing season! And after over a year of being single this serial monogamist can feel the growing desire to have someone to cuddle up with.
Good thing my dog kind of likes me!
But really, I was always the girl “talking” to someone, or I was in a relationship. I didn’t even go on lots of dates, I just ended up with someone.
Since graduating college I’ve mostly fumbled through flings and failed romances, and my dating record is pretty pathetic. Nothing has just felt fully “right”, or there always seemed to be complications that made me instinctively pull away.
It’s not that I don’t want to date. Meeting people and getting to know them sounds really nice. And I would love to find my lobster.
I think dating has just fallen pretty low on the totem pole of priorities. Dating feels like it gets more severe once you hit your 20’s. It certainly feels that way after you’ve had one serious relationship. There are all these questions you ask yourself,
“What do I want from a relationship?” “What kind of person am I looking to be with?” “How will I know if they’re the one?”
Maybe it’s because I’m a Virgo, maybe it’s because of my enneagram, but I have unnecessarily agonized over these questions!
My “single summers” weren’t so bad – it’s too hot to think about anything other than finding the most effective deodorant and sleuthing out the best air conditioning. But now it’s getting cooler, my routine is setting in, and the holidays are impending. Not to mention the countless couple photos on Instagram, relationship status changes on Facebook, and news of engagements that are flooding in.
So what does it look like when someone who’s always been in a relationship attempts to “do life” by herself in an age where social media and social events are king and we want everyone to see how happy we are?
Well, it’s not always Instagram-able, that’s for sure.
There’s plenty of time for reflection on past relationships, on the good, the bad, and the ugly. There’s wondering “what could’ve been…”. There’s time spent agonizing over whether it was all my fault, if any of it was my fault, or if truly, it was no one’s fault.
Not to mention countless self reminders that “no, they do not want to hear from you”, “no, you do not owe them an apology”, and “no, you can not fix this – it’s in the past”. Which is incredibly difficult when you’re a recovering people-pleaser who hates the idea of conflict. However, I have exes, and that fact alone means there’s probably a handful of people who aren’t my biggest fans, and I’m just going to have to get over it.
Everyone says that being single is a great time to “focus on loving yourself”. Frankly, I’ve been really lacking in that relationship department as well. But I have started to see that my past relationships and my present “singledom” has in fact changed who I am.
It’s cliché but every person who I loved and cared for taught me something about what a relationship can and should look like, or that I deserve to be treated better. Being single has taught me that it’s ok to enjoy the be selfish sometimes and enjoy that unique kind of freedom.
When I think about relationships, I think about communication. Maybe it’s a shame that in this day and age we can delete someone with a click of a button. Sometimes I wonder if all our lines of communication are actually inhibiting our ability to communicate in healthy ways. It’s possible that I’m jaded, but I think I’ve come to realize that closure isn’t a real thing. For many people, loves will be lost and relationships won’t always end well. You will float out of touch with people and unresolved feelings may only be resolved after you take the time to accept that there’s no good answer.
Love yourself, love others. The world won’t end every time a relationship does, and just because it’s “cuffing season” doesn’t mean you have to have a significant other right now. Just do you, and do your best. 🖤
