I wanted to write some beautiful retrospective on 2019, my first full year out of the academic setting and my first year as a fledgling adult.
Maybe it’s my current melancholy mood as I near the end of the longest break I’ve had since college, maybe it’s that I haven’t fully grasped the weight (or lack thereof) of entering an entirely new decade.
2019 mostly feels like an ambiguous part of my still new, post-grad life. I’m a planner, I like making lists and assigning tasks that are easily crossed off. But try as I might, 2019 was not an easy year to plan.
This year had a bunch of wonderful things that I couldn’t have planned. There were also quite a few not so great things I certainly wouldn’t have planned. Sitting here, trying to look back on 2019, trying to chronicle the events of each month, I feel like so much of the year was spent in some sort of haze.
Photo by shocphoto.com
I’ve set goals, and met them in one way or another. I’ve also set goals and abandoned them. I’ve asked for new responsibilities, I’ve been surprised by new responsibilities. I’ve said no to new responsibilities. I felt my heart soar, and I’ve felt desperately low.
I can look at 2019 and pinpoint so many fabulous experiences I had. Fortunately, I had more positives than negatives. I did wondrous things like start teaching regularly, perform as a guest artist, and go on tour and visit a new city. I’ve reconnected with old friends and made new friends. I’ve taken on responsibilities and I’ve said no at times it felt right.
There has been a lot of joy in 2019. But I would be remiss to say that 2019 was a truly stellar year.
I really did have high hopes, I wanted 2019 to be a year where I consistently put myself first. Where I actually looked in the mirror, built confidence, affirmed myself with kind words, generally improved and made a plan.
Despite claiming to be quite the planner, I didn’t do a very good job.
Guess what? Looking in that mirror, truly seeing, is really hard. In order to improve, you have to acknowledge things you don’t like. And it’s easy to become overwhelmed with a distorted vision of yourself when you’re specifically looking at negatives. I told several people this past year that I was going to get a handle on my mental state, make healthier choices, be kinder to myself.
But I found that when it was time to look deeply, I couldn’t do it. I took a glance and decided I would just procrastinate. I put band aids on problems that probably needed stitches.
Photo by @_jonathan_ross_
It’s also impossible to plan for everything. There will always be things that are out of your control. Sometimes you can “fake it ’til ya make it”. But people who know you, and I mean really know you AND care to look, will see that your war paint is smudged. The mask you wear is not flawless, nor should it be. I tried in 2019 – I really did. I have pages in notebooks filled with affirmations to remind myself I was more than the negative tropes in my head. In 2019 sometimes I did put myself first. In 2019 I tried to stick to my guns a little more, to say something and not always be complacent.
But no one is perfect and I stumbled a lot.
My confidence faltered. Actually, it plummeted. My resilience stumbled. My energy diminished.
And yet, I made it to 2020. No, I can’t say I have high hopes for this year. People ask me what my resolutions are, and the best I got is “to keep going”. I would like another trip around the sun, if it’s not too much to ask.
For me, there’s no need to make grandiose declarations of how “this year I will do this and that”, “this year will be better”. I’m a goal oriented person but flexibility is a godsend. Maybe in 2020 I would like to surround myself with things that are comfortable, and make things that are uncomfortable – comfortable. I would like to learn some new things, meet some new people.
You just truly never know what the new year will bring. Hopefully it will bring a lot of good, and very little bad. Hopefully it will bring prosperity and success. Hopefully it will bring happiness and good fortune.
So here’s to 2020, and to some version of a fresh start.
